Saturday, May 17, 2008

Letters from the "Dark Side"

It looks like the Republican National Committee is long on money and short on brains. I went to the mailbox today to get my mail – I go get the mail once a week whether I need to or not – and what do I find but an invitation to fill out their “Republican Party Census Document”.

They had my name and address correct, my voting district and my registration number. So my voting record must be deep in the recesses of the RNC’s database. To the RNC I am a “grassroots supporter” of the party of the Dark Side.

Me, one of 75,000 voters of Fort Bend County who voted in the Democratic primary last March. One of a million voters in Texas who caucused at Democratic precinct conventions later that evening.

Those puffy old white men who run the party of the Dark Side need to check to see if their computer geeks are really doing their jobs or just hanging around playing Halo 3 while cashing their fat paychecks.

Now not only do I get to let you see what drivel the RNC is sending out to their supporters and provide commentary [between brackets], but then I get to answer these questions and send it back to them in their business reply envelope.

They break down the issues under major headers in bold. This is to help the census participants shift their brains from one foul, mean-spirited, and spiteful political theory to another. You have 3 answer choices: “Yes” “No” “Undecided” [they left out H-E-Double hockey sticks No]


[Is it just me or is anyone else getting tired of that term? Why didn’t they just name it “Fatherland Security”?]

1. Should Republicans do everything they can to prevent liberal Democrats from repealing the USA Patriot Act and other important laws that help our intelligence agencies protect America?

2. Should Republicans stop the Democrats from cutting funding for our intelligence agencies or bringing back Clinton-era restrictions on inter-agency communications?

3. Do you support the use of force against any country that offers safe harbor or aid to individuals or organizations committed to further attacks on America?

4. Should we do everything we can to stop Democrats from weakening border security?


[Yes, after waving the bloody flag they go on to what really matters: where can they get themselves some more money]

1. Should we make our fight against the Democrats’ massive tax hikes a central part of the 2008 campaign?

2. Should we continue working to permanently repeal the Death Tax?

3. President Bush’s successful income and capital gains tax cuts are set to expire – should they be made permanent?

4. Should Republicans fight for a balanced budget?

[Why? Because they haven’t yet?]

5. Should Republicans unite to keep our pro-growth achievements from the past seven years intact by blocking new federal government bureaucracy and red tape?

[You have to admit they didn’t specify which growth they were pro, like pro-growth of overseas jobs and pro-growth of debt to the People’s Republic of China]

6. Should Republicans in Congress oppose the new, wasteful government spending programs proposed by the Democrats and their leaders, Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid?

[Yes, the Republican wasteful spending programs are so much better, aren’t they, especially when the profits go to KBR and Blackwater]


1. Do you agree that we must stop illegal immigration?

2. Should Republicans oppose Democrat plans for one-size-fits-all, government-run health care?

3. Should we continue working for serious tort reform to protect individuals and small businesses from predatory lawsuits?

4. Should we make sure President Bush’s judicial nominees receive fair hearings and up or down votes in the Senate?

[waitaminute, are they planning on having some judges for the Senate to vote on between now and January 21st or do they have something else in mind?]

5. Should Republicans in Congress protect our private property rights from eminent domain?

[…just as they do in Texas with the Trans Texas Corridor?]


1.Do you think Congress should pass the Federal Marriage Amendment protecting marriage as a union between one man and one woman?

[First out of the chute? What else? Gay bashing]

2. Do you want Republicans to defend the recently-passed partial-birth abortion ban from attacks by the Democratic majority?

[Yep, get out of the way you sentimental fools and let us kill us some babies]

3. Do you support President Bush’s initiatives to allow private religious and charitable groups to do more to help those in need?

[That’s it? Just three issues? Nothing about adultery, pederasty and casual sex in men’s rooms? Hmmpf!]


1. Do you think US troops should have to serve under United Nations’ commanders?

[Geez, I never thought about that, but now that’s a darned good idea. Leave it to the Republicans to think up new ways for the UN to maintain peace in the world]

2. Do you agree that our top military priority should be fighting terrorists?

3. Should Republicans fight Democrat efforts to impose Clinton-era cuts in the Pentagon’s budget?

[Ah. I remember that. We called it the “peace dividend”. Bush replaced it with a war kleptocracy]

4. Do you support economic sanctions against North Korea and Iran to stop their nuclear weapons programs?

[Wait. I don’t get it. Neither of these countries have a nuclear weapons program. So if they don’t have one, does that mean we will send grain to North Korea and iPods to Iran?]

5. Do you agree that sowing the seeds of democracy and freedom in the Middle East is a worthy goal?

[As in, they are going to be free and democratic if it kills them?]

Then they go through some rigmarole and you look past the donations boxes to check to come down to the check box that I truly admire. The one that I will select.

“No, I favor electing liberal Democrats over the next ten years”

Now, these questions are meant to do one of two things. Either to inflame the cold, cold hearts of Republicans to agree to each and every one of these questions so they drop a check payable to RNC in one of the following amounts: $500, $250, $100, $50, $25, or Other.

Or to find out what Republican voters out there are truly thinking, and take those results into the room when they sit down to draw up their fall campaign strategies.

What are the chances they are really opting for the second alternative?

No, I didn’t think so either.


Earl said...

Actually Hal, it's called "waving the bloody SHIRT," not flag. Here's the story from Paul F. Boller, Jr.'s "Presidential Campaigns," the 1868 campaign:

"Waving the Bloody Shirt

One night in March an Ohioan named A.P. Huggins, who was serving as tax collector and school superindendant in Mississippi, was awakened by some members of the Ku Klux Klan, ordered to leave the state in ten days, and then stripped, given seventy-five lashes, and threatened with death if he disobeyed their order. Huggins reported the incident to the military authorities and an army officer took his blood-stained nightshirt to Washington and gave it to Radical Republican Congressman Benjamin Butler of Massachusetts. A few days later, when Butler was proposing legislation permitting the President to use the army to enforce federal laws in the South, he waved Huggins's gory garment around as he spoke. From 1868 until the end of the century, during presidential contests Republican orators regularly 'waved the bloody shirt,' that is, blasted the South for starting the Civil War."

Hey, that's more appropriate than I first thought.

Hal said...

Got caught up in mixing my metaphors.

Waving the bloody shirt as a flag.