Wednesday, February 06, 2008

You Mean The Presidential Campaigns ARE Coming to Texas?

The Democratic ones, anyway.

Stick a fork in Romney (Huckabee sure did), he’s done. The Republican nominee is going to be the oldest goll durned white man that the Grand OLD Party could scare up in this day and age who doesn’t have one foot in the grave yet. Yes, we can all thank Mike Huckabee for sucking some delegates right out from under the nose of the other darling of the evangelicals, Mitt Romney, relegating the both of them to the dustbins of GOP history.

But this is far from the case with the Democrats, who now have a real horse race in the delegate count. Did I just see that Clinton and Obama are just one “pledged delegate” apart from being dead even? Can it be? And we all know about the “super delegates” right? As in I never met a super delegate whose vote was in anyone’s pocket for very long. No, there is now a full-out Democratic tsunami that is about to pound across our borders, bringing (cha-CHING!) their campaign cash back to the lands from whence they came.

Now I mentioned this a few posts back, as did Houtopia also back on January 21st. Heck it was even mentioned in some mainstream media places. But there were a few doubters out there, some more derisive than others, but I guess that there way may be something more than a 1 in million chance that Texas might have something to say in this primary season after all. Maybe even . . . oh . . . 2 in a million.

That being the case, it now appears that Texas is going to appear front and center in the news again.

It doesn’t happen very often any more, to the relief of a few locals who are always looking for some other sort of Texas icons and images besides Slim Pickens waving his Stetson whilst mounted on a hydrogen bomb on its final trip to a Soviet perdition.

That sort of image.

So some of the blogs have begun to look at Texas anew, here, and local blogs are looking a little introspectively at what Texas will do with this new limelight, but more humorously, other bloggers are providing information to out-of-state travelers who find themselves putting their boots . . . er . . . shoes up in Texas for awhile, here and here.

Now I am not, in any way, shape or form a Texas local. I’m an immigrant but the local citizenry, those who know about my alien status anyway, seem to have accepted me, or at least tolerate my presence. So I don’t have sage words of advice for out-of-towners. But I have picked up a few “Texas-isms” and other handy tips that you might want to keep in mind should you venture here with the campaigns.

1. Don’t say “y’all”. It’ll just make them smile and shake their heads (But for God’s sake, don’t say “you all”).

2. If it rains hard, don’t run to high ground. That’s where the snakes and fire ants go.

3. When a Texan tells you that they’d “like to die” don’t take them seriously, it’s just a local expression of joy. As in “When he fell in that mud hole wha’ I like to die laughin’”.

4. When zipping around in your car on the Texas Gulf Coastal Plain, have a compass. There are no landmarks and the compass is your only true friend. That is, except when you are in or near Houston. Then the Transco Tower is.

5. When you ask for a margarita at a Texas restaurant (pronounced margy-rita in some places) you will be asked whether you want it “frozen” or “on the rocks”. You want “frozen”.

6. When it rains, don’t bother with umbrellas. They weren’t designed to keep out rain that falls horizontally.

7. Making contacts and appointments involves the art of “gitaholdayew”. As in “When shay wunts to tawk to yew shay’ll gitaholdayew”.

8. When your Pakistani server at your dining establishment says something that seems utterly unintelligible, stop and listen, he’s probably speaking with a Texas accent.

9. When asked where you are from, just say “Amerkin”.

10. Place names: Houston is pronounced “Useton”, San Antonio is pronounced “Santone”, Dallas is “Big D”, the “J” is pronounced in San Jacinto, Bexar (as in Bexar County) is pronounced “bear”, and if you are talking to an Hispanic, Palacios is pronounced “Pah-LAH-ciohs”, to everyone else it’s “Pa-LAYshus”.

Good luck and spend lots of those campaign dollars.

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