I Voted Republican Because . . .

My cousin, who lives in Arizona, is an Independent voter who used to vote Republican. Some of her friends who are still of the mind she once had are not aware of the fact that she voted for President Obama in the last election.

They keep sending and forwarding to her those annoying chain emails that circulate around the internet. Things that make Glenn Beck look like the pillar of reason. I asked her to keep me in the loop because I am always looking for material, and eschew places where that material is there for the finding.

My cousin sent me one recently that I just couldn’t let go unanswered. It was called “I voted Democrat . . .” and delivered the inane party line of the Grand “No” Party neocons.

You can find most of the original rendering of this email message here at Funny and Jokes “Unforgettably stupid humor”.

Here is my answer:

I voted Republican, because
I love the idea that I can tell people who don’t

share my values who they should marry.
I've decided they should marry the Ann Coulters and Rush Limbaughs of the world.

I voted Republican, because
I believe oil companies' obscene profits on 100 dollar a barrel oil is
a beautiful thing, and the government taxing a gallon of gas
at a mere 15% is also.

I voted Republican, because
I believe that big business and the banks will do a better job of
spending federal bailout money better than I would.

I voted Republican, because
freedom of speech is fine as long as nobody burns a flag

to express that speech.

I voted Republican, because

we knew that when we went into Iraq the bad guys would stop what
they were doing, because they now think we are good people.

I voted Republican, because

I know I am a responsible person who can open carry a gun to political rallies,

and I know that my local police and secret service will understand

that I need it with me to protect me from murderers and thieves.

I voted Republican, because
I believe that people who offer mountains of convincing data that
tell us that the polar ice caps will melt away at an alarming rate are
all just trying to sell me a Prius.

I voted Republican, because
I'm not concerned about the taking of innocent life in prisons as
much as I am in favor of how a strong central government can tell

what women are to do with their reproductive organs.

I voted Republican, because
I think illegal aliens are the best thing since sliced bread
to scare the bejesus out of frightened Americans who think these brown people

are getting free educations, and taking their Social Security benefits.

I voted Republican, because
I believe that business should be allowed to make obscene profits for
themselves by lobbying for the repeal of laws that, for decades, saved America

from another Great Depression. They need to keep as much of their profits

as they can for themselves, or for any lobbyists that republicans see fit.

I voted Republican, because
I believe neoconservative judges need to rewrite The Constitution

every few days to suit corporations and the rich who would never

get their agendas past the voters.

I voted Republican, because
My head is so firmly planted up my patootie that it is unlikely

that I'll ever have another point of view.