Friday, July 07, 2006

Run Tom, Run

An open letter to Tom DeLay

Run Tom, run. And I'm not talking about the running you did last April when you abandoned your constituents by running off with your million plus dollar war chest. I'm not talking about the running you did when you finally got your story straight with Governor Perry's help, and laid out lucre to get various official documents to prove you were a Virginian (what's a fishing license go for these days in Virginia, anyway?). No, Tom, I want you to RUN (and not necessarily like a rabbit).

Run, Tom. Prove to us that you are still "The Hammer".

Put your website back together. Bob Talton has more on his website than you do. At least you can post an "Under Construction" image, like Bob. Tom, these seven sad sacks who still seem to be trying to replace you don't hold a candle to you and you know it. Pick up the phone, Tom. Pick up the phone and call Tina. Tell her to tell her lawyers to drop the appeal. Appealing to a federal appeals court looks so weak. Tom, you yourself had issues with activivist judges. Don't let them go looking for some judges' robes to hide behind. The Texas Democrats did you a huge favor. You're the man, Tom. You can pull this one off.

And if you don't believe me, just ask around. Ask your personal friend and confidante. You know, God. I know He told you that you should leave congress because He has other plans for you, but even God can change His mind (Jer. 31:31).

Tom, let me help you out with something that seems to be working here in Fort Bend County. Here is an outline for a radio ad you can put out. You can have it gratis. My pleasure:

[Evil sinister music plays, preferably something spine chilling like Carmina Burana (wait for it to load). Announcer in a low hushed voice that sounds like he is talking into a box comes on]. "Nick Lampson is stealing Congressional District 22 from the good people of Texas by going to court. Will he never learn that The People have a right to a REAL choice?" [Patriotic music rising in background, announcer takes his head out of the box] "Tom DeLay is The Hammer. He doesn't run whining to the judges like some sniveling Liberal Democrats do. Tom DeLay is back. Democrats can take their law suit and shove it. Tom DeLay can win! Tom DeLay will win! God wills it!" [Patriotic music is now played fortissimo]. Close out with a sound bite from Tom himself: "I'm Tom DeLay and I approved this ad, paying for it with money that my lawyers would have gotten". Well, OK, you might want to drop that last bit . . .

Run Tom. Don't wimp out on us.


Hal said...

Well the hammer may be back. Read about it at Juanita's. The chess game continues . . .

muse said...

The ad sounds suspiciously like a ripoff of David Wallace's radio ad where it sounds like spooky Haloween music at the start and then the birds practically begin to sing and the heavens open up.

Hal said...

Yeah, you know, I hadn't thought of that ;)

I guess when you have a winner like Dave's ad, it's just so hard to think up something new and original.